Feeling you are “good enough” is essential for your overall wellbeing, and yet so many struggle with overwhelming self-doubt. What does it take to banish this limiting belief and know once and for all that you ARE good enough?
We can all feel insecure or inadequate from time to time, but when it become persistent and has a distressing or debilitating effect on our lives, this can be a sign of low self-esteem. Left untreated, low self-esteem often leads to mental health issues such as anxiety or depression.
Spotting the signs
Low self-esteem can manifest in various ways, often affecting thoughts, emotions and behaviours. Here are some common signs:
Negative self-talk – you frequently criticise yourself and focus on your flaws.
Not accepting compliments – you dismiss praise or feel uncomfortable when others acknowledge your achievements. You may even think they’re just “being nice” rather than believing them to be genuine.
Fear of failure – you avoid things you find challenging due to a fear of making mistakes, and you feel paralysed by an inability to meet self-imposed standards of perfection.
Comparing yourself to others – you constantly measure your worth against others and feel inferior or envious of their apparent success.
Sensitivity to criticism – you take feedback very personally and will overreact to perceived disapproval or rejection.
Social inadequacy – you find it difficult to make friends and you avoid social situations due to fear of judgement. Conversely, you may go the other way and say yes to everything, putting people-pleasing ahead of your own needs.
Inability to make decisions – you doubt your choices and constantly seek reassurance. You struggle with assertiveness and find it difficult to express your opinions.
Feeling unworthy – you don’t believe you deserve good things in life. You may even self-sabotage when things seem to be going well.
OCD and addictive behaviours are coping mechanisms that may also indicate low self-esteem.
How did it happen?
There are a number of reasons why someone may feel they’re not good enough.
Childhood experiences
Our early childhood lays the foundation for our belief systems as we make sense of the world around us. If you were brought up in an environment where love seemed to be given conditionally (earned via achievement, behaviour or meeting expectations), you may very well have internalised a belief that you can never be enough just on the basis of who you are.
Social comparison
In lives that are dominated by social media and carefully curated online content, we can feel pressured to look and behave in certain ways. We see the highlights of other people’s lives and worry that we need to do, have or be more in order to measure up.
Inner critic
Most people are much harder on themselves that on others, but when that negative inner dialogue is overly critical, it can become a major barrier to self-worth. Persistent negative self-talk reinforces limiting beliefs about ourselves, making it difficult to acknowledge our strengths and accomplishments.
Wonky thinking
Also known as cognitive distortions, these are patterns of irrational or harmful thinking. One such distortion is “all or nothing” thinking, whereby you believe you must be perfect otherwise you’re a failure. Another is “mental filtering”, meaning you ignore your successes and focus only on your mistakes.
So what can I do about it?
#1 Challenge your inner critic
Take control of your internal dialogue. Name the critic and tell it to do one every time it pipes up. Some people like to give it an unfavourable image and a whiny little voice in order to diminish its power. Practise reframing what it says into something more constructive and supportive. (For more on the art of reframing, check out my February blog post.) Negative thoughts tend to be based on feelings without regard for the facts, so gather your data – make a note of all your accomplishments, strengths and positive qualities.
#2 Practise self-compassion
This is about extending kindness to yourself in both thought and deed, the way you would towards another person you care about. Forgive your mistakes, acknowledge you are only human and know that you are doing the best you can with the resources you have.
#3 Focus on progress
Growth and progression are for more important than perfection. Recognise how far you’ve come and celebrate even the little wins. Every day is a chance to grow, to learn and to be better than yesterday.
#4 Limit social media
If social media is causing you to feel inadequate, take a break from it. Clean up your feeds, remove people, cut down the number of platforms you’re on, and start teaching the algorithms to find the stuff that makes you feel good – fluffy animals doing daft things are usually a winner.
#5 Find your people
Surround yourself with people who make you feel good and cut out those who don’t. If cutting out isn’t an option, at least reduce your exposure and have some strategies for repairing any damage. Remember, you become what you focus on and who you spend time with – choose wisely.
Not feeling good enough about yourself can also manifest as Imposter Syndrome – take a look at my March blog post.
Final Word
You ARE good enough! There is no-one else exactly like you and that makes you unique and special. Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have and nobody, not one single person, is perfect. You have already achieved things, you have the ability to succeed in your own way, and you can continue to grow and learn. Even if you don’t know it yet, there is a reason you are here and your contribution will make a difference for someone, somewhere, so don’t give up.
If you would like help addressing feelings of “not good enough”, why not book a free consultation.